A Baz Luhrman Reworking by Richard Short
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, hockey would be it.
The long term benefits of hockey have been constantly misunderstood by
television producers, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more
reliable than my own Saturday night experiences.
I will dispense this advice now..
Enjoy the power play and passing of your favourite team. Oh never mind, you
will not understand the offside rule until its faded. But trust me, in 20
years you'll look at videos of those games and recall in a way you cannot
grasp, how often they scored, and how fabulous it really was. You were not
as thick as you imagined.
Don't worry about where the next goal is coming from. Or worry, but know
that worrying is as effective as trying to get Vial in the All Star Team.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your
hockey mad mind, like the unexpected support of the Steelers when Panthers
are in a final.
Slag off one player that scares you.
Be reckless when buying other people tickets, but don't put up with other
people who are reckless when buying yours.
Don't waste your time on the Steelers.
Sometimes they're not ahead, sometimes they are behind.
The race is long, and in the end its only for an egg cup.
Make up trophies you received, forget the finals you lost
If you dont suceed in doing this, pretend to be a Giant.
Keep your old hockey shirts, throw away your Lightning Jack masks
Don't feel guilty if you don't know the Macarena. The Manchester Storm fans
I know didnt know at 22 how to do it. Some of the most hip 40 year old Storm
fans I know still don't.
Score plenty of goals. Don't be to kind on their netminder.
You'll hardly ever see him have a mare.
Maybe you'll win, maybe you won't
Maybe you'll get to the playoffs, maybe you won't
Maybe you'll win the 50 - 50,
Maybe you'll dress up like the Village People at the finals on your 75th
Whatever you do, congratulate yourself far too much and berate the Devils.
You choices are sheep, sheep and sheep. So are everybody elses.
Enjoy using somebody elses season ticket. Use it when you can. Don't be
afraid of giving it back.
Its probably the only time you'll ever be thanked.
Even if you dont know the words. Ignore the tune and just clap.
Read hockey magazines, draw false moustaches on Rick Brebants face.
Get to know your players. You never know when you'll have to ask them for
Be nice to your forwards. They're your best link to the playoffs, and the the
names you are most likely to have on the back of your shirt.
Understand that team owners come and go, and with a bit of luck you will
still be in business after Christmas.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in refereeing, because the older they get, the
harder it will be to spot the cross check from behind.
Support London once, but leave before they give you a wooden spoon.
Manchester once, but leave before your hub caps get stolen.
Accept certain inalienable truths:
Your netminder is blind in one eye. Empty Net Goals are not always scored by
Tony Hand. Four trophies to four different teams is NOT a coincidence.
And when you do accept these, and fantasise that when your team were good,
you could drive out of Sheffield without hearing a single car horn.
Respect the Bees.
Don't expect anyone else to support them.
Maybe you'll love them, maybe you wont.
But you never know when you might need their support in a final.
Don't mess too much with the Geordies, or by the time you are 25 you will
look like Jimmy Nail.
Be careful who's players you pinch, but be patient with those players who
The Challenge cup is a rip off. Dispense with it by sending the egg cup back
to the Big Breakfast.