A Sheffield Steeler fan decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no prior lessons or experience. He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but he begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, he grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly unaffected by its slipping rider. Finally, giving up his frail grip, he leaps away from the horse to try and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup and he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves. His head is struck against the ground again and again. As his head is battered against the ground, he is mere moments away from unconsciousness when the Woolworths store manager runs out and shuts the power off. ******************************************************** Q. Why do people take an instant dislike to Dave Simms ?? A. It saves time. ************************************************************************ There was a Panthers fan, a Steelers fan and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage on a train. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and, as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Panthers Fan were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Steelers fan had his hand against his face as if he had been hit hard. The Steelers fan was thinking: 'That Panthers Fan must have kissed Claudia Schiffer who went to slap him, missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'That Steelers fan must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Panthers Fan and got slapped for it.' And the Panthers Fan was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and hit that Steeler again, harder.' ************************************************************************ A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total write off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?" "Well," the friend responses, "I ran over Dave Simms". "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?" "Well, he tried to escape through the park." ************************************************************************ Steelers have moved quickly to halt rumours of a rift between Blaisdell and Simms. A club spokesman said, "It's ridiculous to suggest that there is a personality clash between the two, everyone at the club knows that Simms hasn't got one. ************************************************************************ Whats the difference between Dave Simms and a jet engine? A jet engine stops whining ************************************************************************ Dennis Vial is ill, so Mike Blaisdell offers to go shopping for him. While in the local supermarket, he bumps into Alex Dampier. "Hello, Mike, what are you doing here?" "I'm getting a bag of potatoes for Dennis Vial." "Sounds like a fair swap to me!!" ******************************************************** A new orange and teal OXO cube is about to be introduced. It’s called ‘Laughing Stock’ ******************************************************** A Panther fan announces to his mates that hes had enough of Alex Dampier and is going to support Sheffield. "What, becoming a squealer!" they cry. "Yep ,fraid so." "So what does that involve then?" "Well first of all I have to learn all of the dances to old chart songs, then I'll have to swap all my black and gold shirts for orange and teal ones” "Blimey" cry his mates,"Sounds pretty painful." "Yep" says the traitor,"but not as painful as the surgery will be." "Surely you don't need surgery"exclaim the faithful in amazment. "Course I do" he replies,"How else are they going to make my brain smaller and my gob bigger?" ********************************************************* How do you make David Simms look intelligent? Stand him next to Dennis Vial ********************************************************* How does do Steeler fans change lightbulbs? They hold them in the air and the whole world revolves around them. ********************************************************* A little boy asked his dad for a cowboy outfit for christmas, so he bought him Sheffield Steelers ********************************************************* A man goes into a pub with an alligator under his arm. "Do you serve Sheffield Steeler fans here?" he asks. "Certainly Sir, no problem at all," replies the barman, nervously staring at the alligator. "Okay," says the man, "a pint of lager for me and a Sheffield Steeler fan for the alligator." ********************************************************* Have you heard about the ram-raiding Steeler fan?He ran out of petrol chasing an ice-cream van! ********************************************************* Sheffield Steelers are currently under investigation by the Inland Revenue for tax evasion. Apparantly they have been claiming for silver polish for the last 5 years. ********************************************************* Somebody asked me what time Steelers faced off. I said about once every 5 minutes. ********************************************************* Watch out for these PC viruses: The Jason Weaver virus - picks up any passing mail The Mike O’Neill virus - you cant save anything The Rick Brebant virus - your computer pretends to go down, but then boots up and is ok The Steve Carpenter virus - makes your pc think its better than it is. ********************************************************* |