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 The Steeler Files

This part of the site is a tongue in cheek look at our neighbours from up the M1, the Sheffield Steelers.

Please take this page as it is intended. humorously.


Nottingham Panthers 1 Sheffield Steelers 7


Sheffield Steelers's march towards the grand slam continued today after a stunning display at The House of Steel where the game had been switched due to a request from referee Andy Carson who said it was the only venue where he could ensure fair play and get away with it.


Steelers went ahead just before the face-off when Kayle Short's pass sent the linesman away down the right flank. His cross was handled on the half-way line by Jimmy Paek, and Carson awarded a penalty shot. Rick Brebant stepped up to slot the puck home for his 65th penalty shot of the season, after hitting both posts and the bar. It was no more than Steelers deserved.

The 15th minute saw the Steelers go two up after Duncan Patterson was penalised for coughing.  He received 2+2+2 for his trouble. Steve Roberts pass was struck first time by Kent Simpson, hit the back of Daryl Lavoie's skate, bounced up, struck the rim of a spectator's spectacles and floated, assisted by a freak wind, into the top corner of Jordan Willis's net. It was no more than Steelers deserved.

The 17th minute saw more trouble for Panthers, when P C Druin got a match penalty for inquiring about referee Carson's teal shirt. Two minutes before the interval Panthers struck back after an amazing piece of good fortune, Jamie Leach hitting home the rebound after a shot had been stopped on the line by Carson. Sheffield Steelers could scarcely believe their bad luck. Mike Blaisdell threw down his programme and wouldn't talk to anyone for ten minutes. The start of the second period saw unsporting Casson Masters making ridiculous claims for a penalty after Dennis Vial had accidentally beaten up Ashley Tait. Carson had missed the incident due to his teal scarf flowing in his eyes. Ten minutes later Blazer made a tactical line change. He took off David Longstaff and replaced him with Dale Craigwell, Jason Weaver and Scott Metcalfe.

Steelers third came after David Struch had been caught offside in his own penalty area. Brebant took the resulting penalty shot, which bobbled home after hitting the underside of the scoreboard. Carson claimed the final touch. It was no more than Steelers deserved.

Super-marvel-wonder-Steelers goal number four came via Warren Norris after twenty-eight minutes of a 5 on 3 powerplay after Greg Burke and Ryan Gillis had been given game misconducts for looking at the clock. It was no more than Steelers deserved. So 4-1 at the end of the second period. The start of the final period saw Panthers Darryl Moxam have a goal disallowed as Mike Torchia's net was off its moorings.  Captain Jamie Leach was given an unsportsmanlike penalty and a game misconduct when he asked Carson if the net could actually be put on the ice.  Steelers hit their fifth goal after a rink long rush when Shane McCosh skated in unnoticed behind the zamboni before deking past Willis. It was no more than Steelers deserved. Panthers bad penalty run continued when Willis received a 5 plus game for squrting water over his helmet. The sixth goal came with Panthers back up netminder Eoin McInerney sitting out a "Too many men in the sin bin" call, and Steve Carpenter managed to bury the puck in the empty net on his fourteenth attempt. It was no more than Steelers deserved. With five minutes to go Blaisdell called Torchia off for an extra 10 forwards. Despite the heavywheight goalie taking 5 minutes to get over the boards, the tactic worked as Weaver tipped in the seventh goal.  Assists were given to Roberts, Vial, Brebant, Craigwell, Metcalfe, McCosh, Simpson and Norris.  But it was no more than Steelers deserved. After the game, coach Blaisdell would not comment on Carsons performance as referee, and said that after video evidence had been sent in he was sure the score would be a more respectable 10-0.


A Sheffield Steeler fan decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no prior lessons or experience.

He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but he begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, he grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly unaffected by its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up his frail grip, he leaps away from the horse to try and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup and he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves. His head is struck against the ground again and again.

As his head is battered against the ground, he is mere moments away from unconsciousness when the Woolworths store manager runs out and shuts the power off.


Q. Why do people take an instant dislike to Dave Simms ??

A.  It saves time.


There was a Panthers fan, a Steelers fan and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage on a train.

Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and, as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Panthers Fan were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Steelers fan had his hand against his face as if he had been hit hard.

The Steelers fan was thinking: 'That Panthers Fan must have kissed Claudia Schiffer who went to slap him, missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'That Steelers fan must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Panthers Fan and got slapped for it.'

And the Panthers Fan was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and hit that Steeler again, harder.'


A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total write off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran over Dave Simms".

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, he tried to escape through the park."


Steelers have moved quickly to halt rumours of a rift between Blaisdell and Simms. A club spokesman said, "It's ridiculous to suggest that there is a personality clash between the two, everyone at the club knows that Simms hasn't got one.


Whats the difference between Dave Simms and a jet engine?

A jet engine stops whining


Dennis Vial is ill, so Mike Blaisdell offers to go shopping for him. While in the local supermarket, he bumps into Alex Dampier. "Hello, Mike, what are you doing here?" "I'm getting a bag of potatoes for Dennis Vial." "Sounds like a fair swap to me!!"


A new orange and teal OXO cube is about to be introduced. Its called Laughing Stock


A Panther fan announces to his mates that hes had enough of Alex Dampier and is going to support Sheffield.

"What, becoming a squealer!" they cry.

"Yep ,fraid so."

"So what does that involve then?"

"Well first of all I have to learn all of the dances to old chart songs, then I'll have to swap all my black and gold shirts for orange and teal ones

"Blimey" cry his mates,"Sounds pretty painful."

"Yep" says the traitor,"but not as painful as the surgery will be."

"Surely you don't need surgery"exclaim the faithful in amazment.

"Course I do" he replies,"How else are they going to make my brain smaller and my gob bigger?"


How do you make David Simms look intelligent?

Stand him next to Dennis Vial


How does do Steeler fans change lightbulbs?

They hold them in the air and the whole world revolves around them.


A little boy asked his dad for a cowboy outfit for christmas, so he bought him Sheffield Steelers


A man goes into a pub with an alligator under his arm. "Do you serve Sheffield Steeler fans here?" he asks. "Certainly Sir, no problem at all," replies the barman, nervously staring at the alligator. "Okay," says the man, "a pint of lager for me and a Sheffield Steeler fan for the alligator."


Have you heard about the ram-raiding Steeler fan?He ran out of petrol chasing an ice-cream van!


Sheffield Steelers are currently under investigation by the Inland Revenue for tax evasion. Apparantly they have been claiming for silver polish for the last 5 years.


Somebody asked me what time Steelers faced off. I said about once every 5 minutes.


Watch out for these PC viruses:

The Jason Weaver virus - picks up any passing mail

The Mike ONeill virus - you cant save anything

The Rick Brebant virus - your computer pretends to go down, but then boots up and is ok

The Steve Carpenter virus - makes your pc think its better than it is.


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